“I Don’t Understand How You Didn’t Know.”
Secret double lives leave everyone wondering how the partner was unaware.
Being a part of this group is never planned. Those of us who learned of the secret double lives of our spouses joined the club against our will.
“How did you not know?”
This is one of the most common sentiments heard. People ask you as if you haven’t asked yourself this question a thousand times. Even then, it’s hard to answer. It’s baffling to wrap your mind around the idea that you were sharing your life with a stranger.
There is a lot of pressure on the victims to provide answers to the questions that everyone is thinking. The problem is… they don’t have them. If they did, things would be much easier.
The questions are normal. Of course, people want to know what happened. Of course, they don’t fully understand what went on behind closed doors. Of course, they are having a hard time grasping the concept that you had no idea. It makes a lot of sense that their thoughts of curiosity come out of their mouths.
But knowing all of that doesn’t make it feel any easier when they do ask.
In the moment, it’s hard to give grace to others when you need so much yourself.
Camouflage And Coverups
How do you see what someone has gone to great lengths to keep hidden from you?
That’s the dilemma.
We aren’t talking about someone who told a few lies or conflated a couple of details. This is wholesale deception. Everything must go! You don’t accidentally live a complete life on the side. It takes planning, tons of effort, and comfort with lying and manipulation.
We didn’t see it because we were duped.
We didn’t see it because we weren’t looking for it.
We didn’t see it because we didn’t know what we were looking at when it presented itself.
We didn’t see it because we didn’t want to believe it.
We didn’t see it because the person who promised to love and cherish us was the last person we expected to do the opposite.
We didn’t see it because we planned our lives around common goals and dreams.
We didn’t see it because conmen are good at their jobs.
It’s A Lifestyle
We hear all the words:
“It started small and got away from me.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It was only the one time. I swear.”
“It’s an addiction.”
“It was a mistake.”
“I’m so ashamed of myself, and I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“I had a bad childhood.”
“I needed to find myself.”
Those may or may not be legitimate reasons, and at the same time, they do not excuse the behavior at all.
For whatever reason, they felt like choosing to deceive their partner was the best option. They didn’t chance their way into it; they chose their way into it. It was a conscious selection they decided to pursue. Which means they chose the consequence as well.
They were awake and aware the entire time.
They made a choice that they knew would hurt their partner. They made a choice that they knew was not in line with the deal they agreed to. They made a choice that their wants were more important than anyone else’s.
They chose to live their life this way.
The Sinister Hearts
Though the excuses come pouring out like a waterfall for many, there are those who don’t bother because they aren’t interested in keeping up the charade. This subtype is happy the lies have been exposed, so they can stop pretending.
Because pretending to care was harder than the lies themselves.
When people like this have been found out, you can see their shoulders lower, and their chest decompress. They can finally breathe easy. The pressure of the mask is gone, and they can finally be who they truly are.
This is where true wickedness lives. Where the worst of the worst kind of psycho grows and thrives. This is the kind of person who is dangerous. Run far and fast. Your life is only as valuable as your functionality to them. You need distance from people like this to regain any sense of safety and reality.
You Made Them Do It
Those with a narcissistic and contemptuous mindset will be angry at you for making them lie.
How dare you!
This ridiculous mentality is how they convince themselves that you had it coming and they aren’t to blame for their actions. It’s classic displacement. In order to avoid feeling guilt and shame for their actions, they instead morph you into a monster so they can become a victim of circumstance.
It was bigger than them; they had to create this double life to escape the terrible, abusive world you subjected them to.
You have become a depreciating asset. Your value diminishes until you are insignificant and must be discarded. Set to the curb where trash belongs.
This happens when someone’s contempt has gotten so big that they no longer view you as having worth and deserving of basic decency. They blame you for forcing them to lie, cheat, and steal. In their mind, they didn’t have a choice. You made them act this way by something or another that you have done.
Your indiscretion could be anything.
Didn’t make them breakfast one morning.
Forgot to call on your lunch break.
Refused to leave a party when they wanted to.
Went out with your friends
Took too long to text back
They dreamt you left them
You get the drift. Whether the action ever happened or not is irrelevant. We convince ourselves all the time of things that never happened. Imagination is a wonderful thing when used for good. This is dark imagination, used to subvert and corrupt another person.
It’s Common To Not See It Coming
When you begin a relationship with someone, you typically don’t go into it thinking that they are going to swindle you.
For those like me, we were young and inexperienced. As a child, I had no idea what a relationship con artist was, let alone what one looked like. Children are easily groomed to think that abnormal things are actually normal. When it presented itself right in front of me, it looked OK. It looked like how I had been raised to see it. It was just another thing on just another day.
He was the same person he had been since the 4th grade.
Looking back now as an adult, the clues were always there. I had been warned by family, friends, professionals, and laypeople that it was happening, but it takes time to acknowledge that you are not seeing things clearly.
But once I saw…
Even if you were a full-grown adult when it began to happen to you, it can still be very difficult to see it. Someone who is determined to lie to you will lie to you. If they know you well enough, they know just what to say and do to convince you that their lie is actually the truth.
Blindness to betrayal is real. When our entire life is conjoined with another person’s, it makes sense that we give them the benefit of the doubt and find ways to make things make sense. We ascribe answers and innocent reasons to their actions that seem off. We downplay big deals and provide additional rationale for why they are acting out. We make their job easier by gaslighting ourselves.
We don’t want to believe that someone has gone out of their way to knowingly do something hurtful to us.
We Will Never Know The Full Truth
This is what it boils down to in the end.
Complete acceptance of this fact is imperative. We cannot and will not ever find out everything that went on in the shadows. Even if the person who betrayed us tells a big chunk of the story, there are bound to be things that they have either opted to leave out or have forgotten about.
Some people trickle out the truth in bits and some leave giant pieces in the dark so they don’t have to admit to everything.
If they are addicted to the lies, they may want to hold onto some bits like tokens.
Let them, but let them do it alone, or they will do it to you again.
