Insidious Financial Infidelity

Infidelity comes in many forms. Financial is yet another one that can have long-term consequences, taking years to recover from it.

I didn’t realize the extent of my own financial infidelity until years later. Sometimes, it takes something being said in just the right way for the clouds to part and the fog to clear so you can get it.

This is what happened to me last year.

After years of not fully comprehending what I went through, it hit me one day. I was one of the countless women he bragged about using for money and free things. Of course I was.

I wasn’t special because we were married.

11 Years Ago…

This story begins 11 years ago, in the fall of 2015.

I was sick of always having to pay things off and living in debt, so I asked my husband to attend a Dave Ramsey- Financial Peace University series with me that was being held at a local church. Every so often, we would choose a couple’s activity to do together, and this time it was my turn to pick it. This was the only thing I wanted to do.

He was great at spending money we didn’t have. I was great at cleaning up those messes. We were not great at communicating about it and making a plan, so that it never happened again.

The courses were amazing. It was full of practical advice and ideas for the future. We didn’t do everything in it, but we did a lot. (At least I did. I would find out years later that he didn’t.) We started the process of opening a business together to generate future wealth and began diving deep into debt payoffs and saving for retirement.

Unfortunately, 2 months into the course, my ex-husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and the medical bills started coming in fast and hard.

One thing you learn in the course is that you have to take a team approach to finances. Since I was better at paying off things and negotiating, I would take the reins on paying off the medical debt, and he would focus on saving for retirement and saving to purchase vehicles in 4 years. We wanted to cashflow them, and it was an expense that was going to come up because my car at that time was 10 years old, and his was 7.

I spent the next 5 years paying off over $40,000 in medical bills in his name. I did it willingly because I thought we were a team and being responsible.

Turns out I was duped.

He never saved one red penny in those 5 years. Instead, he began living his double life of affairs and addiction.

I didn’t find out for many years. In those 5 years, we did finance meetings the way the Dave Ramsey course recommended. He didn’t show me bank statements, but he talked about how much the accounts were growing and what he was putting away every month. I thought the sum was close to 70K.

How would I know any different? I didn’t go check behind him to make sure he was telling the truth.

The Business Opened, And It Was Thriving

It wasn’t big, but it was running smoothly and grew every year. From the doors opening in 2016 to closing in 2020, it was going strong. Not making much, but also making more and more as time went on.

To make the business work, I had to quit my full-time job. He asked that I quit so he could take work as a government contractor. It paid more than mine did by far and would eventually transition to a full-time government job with retirement and benefits. It was “for our future”.

I easily agreed to leave my career for this trade-off. I still worked part-time and helped run the business while getting to spend time raising our kids.

By the Spring of 2020, it was a free and clear business with minimal overhead and no debt. We discussed either selling it or expanding it. (I wanted to sell it, and he wanted to expand it.) We had 2 interested buyers, but he wanted to “make it huge”.

Then one day it was gone.

I mean the doors shut, filed with the state, accounts closed, assets sold, no longer in possession -> Gone!

I didn’t know until it was too late.

It was easy to do at that time because of the COVID-19 pandemic shutdown that occurred in March 2020. Our business was a Strength and Conditioning and Massage Therapy Gym. Anything in that category was temporarily shuttered for 3 months that year.

In that time, we took steps to convert part of the company to online training. I took videos and helped plan the additions to the website. We began selling email packages for training plans to sustain us until the shutdown was over.

Unbeknownst to me, he took everything and hid it. Less than 30 days after the shutdown and his “make it huge” comments, he had transferred ownership for $0 to another person, then dissolved it with the state.

I found out months later when lockdown was lifted, and I assumed the doors were opening back up. Instead, I was told, “It’s gone.”

No explanation. No details. Just… “It’s gone.”

2020 When It All Came Crashing Down

This was the year I slowly uncovered my ex-husband’s secret double life.

If you have ever been through infidelity trauma or narcissistic abuse, you understand how upending these discoveries are. You don’t know facts about anything, and all of your memories get reordered because you can’t trust them.

They never reveal everything at once (or at all). Typically, reluctantly admitting to what you have already found out after multiple attempts at gaslighting you into thinking you are crazy. As you discover more, they trickle in bits and pieces of truths and lies, but you don’t know which is which.

Making you feel even crazier and more stressed.

This was my 2020.

I made decisions based on what information I had, and it turns out that I had less than I thought I did.

It took 11 months from the moment I became aware that something was off to hearing enough to make me leave for good. It was the worst year of my life. All thanks to someone selfish.

I diligently paid off his bills every month, and he saved nothing for me. I took on debt to pay for the divorce and replace my 15-year-old vehicle. He destroyed the business and kept whatever he made, selling off items for himself.

This particular secret life had spanned 4 years by that time. It began within months of the agreement I wrote about with the medical bills and vehicle payments. It started right after I left my job, and he began his government job.

If I had known about any of it, I would have left him years before. I wouldn’t have given up my career and license, and I would have stopped paying off his debts.

But I didn’t know.

This Is Fraud

Calling it financial infidelity gives it a cleaner spin.

It’s theft. It’s deception. It’s cashing in on a one-sided contract.

In any arena other than marriage, it would be illegal and punishable by law. Yet people get away with it because the rules are not set up to protect those who have been wronged. They are set up to avoid sticking their hands too far into marriages. (the irony)

Then why be in them at all?

If you’re going to force your way in, do it in a way that protects and provides an alley for rectifying abuse that isn’t far out of the price realm for most people.

In my recent court case, I was not allowed to present the evidence of the fraud because I didn’t discover it until after we separated. This is a condition that was impossible to meet. I don’t understand how it was legal, but it happened.

The judge ruled that anything after that date was inadmissible since the business had been transferred for 30 days at that point. I was still working on business things and being told the plans moving forward, but it had been dissolved behind my back. I was lied to to keep from asking more questions, so I could not gather evidence at that moment in time.

The family court has too much power, too many cases, and too little empathy.