Abuse Enablers Love To Play “The Devil’s Advocate”
This role is harmful to the victim but essential to maintaining the abuser’s facade.
Playing the Devil’s Advocate.
Flying monkeys and enablers love to use this concept to further the narcissist’s crusade of pain and manipulation from a distance. Not everyone who uses this tactic is doing it as an enabler, but many are.
When I hear this term used to preface a conversation, I make sure to pay close attention to what is being said and what isn’t, because the underlying message is just as important as the one laid out as a cover.
Minimizing Your Experience
This is the main way this tactic is used.
The Devil’s Advocate’s role is to poke holes in your side of things. They do this by questioning whether your part was innocent or if you had done something to be fully responsible for it.
They do it under the guise of providing “reasons” that the abuser acted the way they did. What they really provide are excuses for bad behavior. An abuser doesn’t need reasons for abuse. The reason they do it is because they are abusive. Abuse doesn’t need to exist, so finding a reason for it is moot.
If your side of things can be shrunk, then by their assessment, the abuse they metered out is shrunk as well. That isn’t reality. The abuse is still as big as it ever was. This is simply a way for the enablers to justify their decision to stick behind the abuser. If they can believe that the abuse isn’t that bad or was because of some reason, then they can continue to be blind to what is actually happening. They don’t have to change a thing or act any differently.
They can continue as if everything is normal.
Creating Doubt And Confusion In You
The technique is used in gaslighting. They are calling into question what you know and what you have experienced.
Many people who have been subject to abuse for prolonged periods of time are good at finding all the ways the abuse was their fault. The enablers, playing the Devil’s Advocate, are teeing up that line of thinking for you so you can take the reins and ride back along that old familiar path.
The path back to the abuser.
If they can make you question yourself, you may (yet again) take the blame. It also gives them something good to take back to the abuser. They can save face with the message, “See what I did? Are you happy with me?”
As a reward, they are temporarily favored, all while pretending to be diplomatic or neutral. It isn’t impartial. It is furthering and enhancing the abuse and prolonging the damage by refusing to acknowledge the pain the victim is in.
This can lead to FOG = Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The 3 hallmarks of an abusive dynamic. It makes a lot of sense. Why wouldn’t you feel them in this scenario? They are being manufactured through this technique.
It’s Damage Control and Regular Control
The Devil’s Advocate comes out to de-escalate you. They are the PR spokesperson for the abuser.
It’s image management and controlling the narrative. The truth can’t get out. That would ruin things. It is essential that the story contains damage to both of you, so no one on the outside has any idea who was really wronged.
This is the same way cults run things. You are controlled and “managed” to keep you in line. Dissent isn’t acceptable, and your complaints are a threat to the scaffolding of the cult structure. You must accept that you are to blame, repent your wicked ways, and beg the abuser for forgiveness because it’s hard on them to be so mean to you.
Obviously, all they want to do is love you the way they want to love you-> which is with absolute control
They Do It On Their Own
An abuser doesn’t have to deploy them to do their bidding. They may, but most often these advocates come out on their own because they have been trained to automatically protect and defend the abuser. They are walking on their own eggshells and trying to save face as much as the abuser is.
This isn’t about shutting down the concept that there are two sides to every story. That is a truth that will always exist. This is about abuse. Abuse doesn’t deserve a defense.
An enabler will play Devil’s Advocate so they can remain stuck in place. They may or may not be aware of it, but this is what is happening. If they were to stop and accept that the abuse was inexcusable, then they would have to act differently regarding the abuser. If they aren’t ready to open their minds, then they have to play this role. They must do it! Their current version of reality depends on it.
As I wrote above, there are those who play this role for other reasons. Some people are naturally skeptical and will cross-examine anything in front of them. They need time, space, and answers to come to conclusions and will rapid-fire questions in their search. There are also those who are in it for the pain. They love discord and kicking someone who is down and will use the ploy of Devil’s Advocate as an excuse to further harm another person. Like a predator, they see an injured target and go for the kill.
The enabler Devil’s Advocate role is common in families with a controlling head person. A patriarch or matriarch who runs the show and steamrolls everyone’s lives will often have a family full of advocates doing their bidding. The same thing happens in families of narcissists and addicts. Families like this have distinct roles within them. The scapegoat is typically the subject of the abuse and will deal with the advocates often. Anyone who calls out or tries to confront the addict will hear from the advocates who believe they are “helping” the situation.
Think back to when you have either witnessed or experienced this for yourself. A rearview mirror assessment may be in order.
