There Will Always Be Some Reason To Break No-Contact With An Ex
But don’t do it, especially if your ex is a narcissist. No matter how compelling it is.
There are many famous last words. Like when a redneck says, “Hold my beer” before they wrestle a bull or attempt to jump over a bonfire. You know it’s going to end badly for them.
When it comes to No-Contact, these are those words.
“I had a good reason…”
When I hear this spoken or see it written, I know it’s going to lead to inevitable pain for everyone involved. It always does. There aren’t many black and white things I see during coaching, but this is one of them.
There’s a clear reason for this, and it’s usually wrapped up in the reason they have come to see me in the first place. Unprocessed pain and past trauma can lead people down destructive paths repeatedly, even when they don’t want to walk down them yet again.
It’s like a compulsion they can’t seem to resist.
Is The Reason Real?
Many times, the reason for breaking No Contact is partially legit.
Untangling the ties that bind people together is a messy process, and things get lost in the shuffle. There are joint accounts, cards that get mixed up, paperwork to sort through, and all sorts of issues that arise that can make reaching out seem inevitable.
Most of the time, breaking no-contact isn’t necessary at all, but if you are looking for reasons to do something, you will find them.
Of course you did. There is always a reason that seems good if you can convince yourself hard enough. But… How did it work out?
Partially legit means it was partially BS also.
Think of this the same way you would a lie. All good lies have a small element of the truth in them, but that doesn’t make them true. It just makes them more believable.
Instead, ask yourself -> What is true? Could you have accomplished the same task without the contact? Was it possible, or was breaking no-contact the only method out there? Most likely, there were other paths, but this one was so familiar and tempting.
When Breaking No Contact Is Not A Red Flag For Yourself
There is a huge difference between someone who is breaking the no-contact because they want to and someone who truly has no other option.
Rarely do the people who want to remain no-contact utter the phrase “But I had a good reason.” Instead, they sink into their body, and you can feel their soul roll its eyes because they were forced to do something they would not have chosen.
When they do speak about the act of breaking the no-contact, it’s done with the air that there was no other option that existed. You can feel the bitterness and grief in the words, not the relief.
Relief isn’t felt until they are able to go no contact again.
There are many reasons it happens. Co-parenting, legal, death of family members, professional, chance run-in, etc. Some things in life you have no power over. If you have to break it because of something outside of your control, don’t beat yourself up over it. You didn’t choose it. It happened to you.
Set Up Roadblocks
If you can’t trust your brain to stop you from reaching out, methods that slow you down become essential.
We can’t have rock-solid resolve all the time. It just doesn’t happen that way in the real world. This is often a temporary need that cycles up and down. Sometimes you do great, and sometimes you don’t. Roadblocks are for the times that you don’t.
Examples:
Call a friend: Before you call that person, have a designated friend you must call and talk to first.
Pay the toll: Put a dollar in the no-contact jar every time you want to reach out.
Accountability partner: Do regular check-ins to keep you on track
Limited access: Block them from everything. Erase numbers and emails. Remove from all accounts. Make it as difficult as possible to be able to get in touch with them.
Add an element: Tie in a task you must complete before or after the breach. You may have to run 3 miles or clean your bathroom. Add something physical that must be done along with breaking the no-contact.
You get the idea. Get creative and work on roadblock ideas before you need them.
Thank The Parts Of You That Tried To Help
That nagging in the back of your mind that tells you to reach out is serving a purpose. It wants to relieve pressure and find a way to make the situation tolerable again.
Acknowledge it. Recognize it. Appreciate its intention.
Tell it thank you, and then tell it that you don’t need it anymore.
Two things can be true at once. You can respect what it wants to do for you, and at the same time, you can want it to stop doing it.
If you can figure out what part of you it was trying to support and protect, you can get ahead of it and find a new caretaker. One that won’t be telling you to go back and contact that person again.
The other side of no-contact is amazing.
You can breathe easier there.
