How Saying “I’m An Empath” Can Keep You Stuck In Narcissistic Relationships
When labels cause more harm than good.
Labels, labels, labels. People love and hate them.
One that seems to be up for debate is the term “Empath”. I understand why. For some, it brings forth an image of someone who cares a lot; to others, it sounds made up and ridiculous.
I’m not solidly in either camp. For myself, it depends on the person who is using it. If they are living the term and have a history of acting it out, I believe them. If they just learned it and are now brand new with their speech and actions when people are watching, then they’re full of crap.
The old adage “Actions speak louder than words” is real.
I can only go with the definition I have accepted in my brain. I’ve heard a few versions described, and I can’t get on board with all of them. The one I prefer -> An Empath is someone who has the ability to connect emotionally on a higher level with others and can take in others’ experiences as if they are their own.
This is a dangerous way to be if you are dealing with a narcissist!
You Cannot Trust Their Experience
Narcissists lie.
It’s that simple. They lie like they breathe. It’s as natural as any other bodily function they have.
An empath who hasn’t yet learned this lesson is more susceptible to narcissists because they believe that what is being told to them is legitimate. They begin to feel the pain, loneliness, heartbreak, and victimhood that the narcissist is projecting toward them.
They don’t realize yet that this is a slideshow. It’s a PowerPoint presentation version of a life. It represents something, but it isn’t the thing. It’s a shell encasing the real person underneath it. The real narcissist is like a phantom. They haunt the shell but never fully possess it.
Unfortunately, the shell the Empath sees and feels is what they have attached their responses to. This shell leads them into actions, thoughts, and feelings that they would not have had if they knew the truth.
Even If They Aren’t A Narcissist, It’s Dangerous
Not everyone toxic is a narcissist. They may be highly narcissistic, without the full-blown disorder.
It doesn’t matter. Toxicity is dangerous. It’s in the definition. Someone toxic is going to poison you hormonally, energetically, spiritually, and sometimes even physically. Your nervous system will stay on high alert, pumping out chemicals meant to protect you, without rest or recovery. It’s a stressful way to live. Keeping you on edge and unable to reclaim a sense of balance.
An Empath is vulnerable to any toxic person because they are vulnerable to people in general. Good or bad. Vulnerability is both a blessing and a curse until it can be managed with proper boundaries.
This is why labeling yourself an Empath can have steep consequences. If you don’t have defenses in place, it leaves you open to manipulation and trauma.
Strong But Flexible Boundaries Are Mandatory
To avoid being overloaded and feeling everything all the time, an Empath needs to fully understand what boundaries are and how to formulate their own.
Like a bridge, boundaries are a way to allow access back and forth. Bridges cannot be too rigid, or they will crumble as the Earth moves and wind blows. Also, like a bridge, sometimes you have to close it down for a while if the weather is too dangerous. While you may have some non-negotiables in your life, the majority of boundaries are a little bit fluid.
For example, your boundary may be: I will not allow anyone to hit me; If they do, I will leave immediately and call the police.
But if your toddler smacks you in the face, you aren’t going to do that. It wouldn’t be logical or appropriate to take the action steps of leaving and calling the authorities.
Knowing when to apply them is key.
This becomes even more important for Empaths because feelings can override logic easily. This is where learning how to create distance comes in.
When I say distance, I mean distance from the center. When you are in it to win it within a situation, objectivity can become a mirage. You believe you can see it, but it’s not really there. Boundaries can keep an Empath from being sucked into the middle of a situation they don’t want to be in.
Self Labels Matter
Calling yourself an Empath has a few drawbacks.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the term, but it does create difficulty for you when narcissists are involved.
1. An Empath is more apt to give unlimited chances.
Because they care deeply. Ultra-high empathy doesn’t let you choose whether or not you feel what is happening; it demands it. Which means Empaths feel what is being projected by the narcissist.
The main problem is that the narcissist is acting. They may or may not feel what they are claiming, but they put on a show that is convincing. Also, the feelings they project are very strong, which can be confusing. It’s relatively easy to mix up one strong emotion for another. Just think of someone with a scowl on their face. Are they angry or are they thinking really hard? Unless that person describes their thoughts, the only thing someone can do is assume which one it is.
If an Empath is deciding to give another chance because of an assumption, the narcissist will use it to their benefit. Even if the assumption is wrong, a correction won’t be made because that would mean the Empath would cut them off. They need access to continue to use the Empath.
Narcissists want access above all else because access = opportunity.
This is what multiple chances create -> opportunities for continued harm. The narcissist isn’t going to put a stop to it; it’s on the Empath to do so. This is done by refusing to let empathy completely take the wheel.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with being an Empath; however, being an Empath without the ability to create safety and find balance is dangerous. The benefit of the doubt IS A BENEFIT, not a right. Not everyone deserves your benefits.
Be selective.
2. If The Narcissist Knows, They Will Use It Against You
Information is ammunition to a narcissist.
It’s disorienting to deal with narcissists for everyone. Since an Empath is at more risk than the average person, they are likely to be even more riddled with the question -> what if?
All of the what if’s the Empath has will be material for the narcissist to exploit.
Not only does an Empath look for ways to understand the narcissist; on the flip side, the narcissist is also looking for ways to make the Empath take responsibility that isn’t theirs. Narcissists need others to be liable so that they feel committed to making things right again.
Your obligation is the focus. If they can get you to help them, then you may feel invested in their success. It’s an investment strategy. They want the long-term returns and continued equity in you by exploiting your natural proclivity to care.
If they know you consider yourself an Empath, the messaging will be tailored to capture your attention by grooming you to be their emotional caretaker. They will take the what-if scenarios and weaponize them.
Narcissists need to be the one in the victim role. Which means the Empath will either become the savior or the villain. Both roles are meant to remove responsibility from the narcissist. If being an Empath is known to the narcissist, the target on your back is big and colorful.
Abusers Know How To Erode Boundaries
It’s a catch-22. I know.
I keep saying that you need strong boundaries, yet in the same breath, I do understand that boundaries aren’t enough.
People who are narcissistic and abusive know how to maneuver past your boundaries. They know how to slowly weaken and undermine them until you are left vulnerable and exposed.
There are also the narcissists who tell themselves (and anyone who will listen) that they are Empaths because it fits the image they want to project. If they are Empaths, they are the darkest, most evil version of one. It’s not a given that someone is a good person just because they are an Empath.
Even knowing this is a real thing (that narcissists will weaken your defenses by repeated violations over time), good boundaries are non-negotiable. Not having defenses in place is a guarantee of failure.
A tentative boundary is still better than no boundary, and it is often the beginning of stronger ones. Practice makes perfect. Start where you can and build on it over time. When you find a weak spot, reinforce it.
This is one thing a narcissist is good for. They are professionals at finding the weak spots. When they light one up, create a stronger border around that area.
If your boundary gets tested enough times, you may want to consider No-Contact.
They can’t break a boundary if they aren’t around.
