And other weighted lines that people in affairs give too much credence to.
I remember the first time I heard this sentiment from someone.
Look into my eyes and tell me you don’t feel anything for me!
My old roommate said it to our professor. They had been having an affair for months and had yet again unsuccessfully broken it off because of a statement like this one.
A statement full of heavy emotion and pressure. So much pressure.
She was young, barely 23, but old enough to know better; she didn’t seem to care that she was placing herself in the midst of another person’s relationship while continuing her own with her partner of many years. She knew his wife; we all did. She was a wonderful support to our undergrad program and was a genuinely nice person.
It felt satisfying to hear that she eventually divorced him.
Ironically, my old roommate and professor are still together over 20 years later. Still not married. Still dealing with him straying (only now it’s on her, not with her). Still dramatic. We haven’t spoken in a long time, but I hear updates from old friends and colleagues, and it seems they are living out their sentence. One that was clear from the start. He was a serial cheater, soliciting women left and right. The perfect example of a fisherman with a thousand lures, hoping to catch anything that would bite. She was driven by admiration and immediate gratification.
I will never forget the conversations she and I had about the discussions on what they said to each other to keep the affair going and the drama alive.
Though they didn’t realize it at the time. Because it felt right.
“You Can’t Say You Feel Nothing For Me.”
Like the previous statement, this one is loaded with intensity and desperation.
I have heard some version of this sentence more times than I can count from clients recalling their conversations. When they say it, they feel like they are fighting for the relationship. They feel like it is reasonable. They feel that they are showing their passion and commitment.
Feel is the operative word here.
They are stuck in feeling and assume the other person is as well. This sentence is one big finger pointed at the obvious. OF COURSE they feel something!
But is it what the person is feeling? Even if they want to break up and run away, they are feeling some emotion. It may be contempt, regret, pain, love, or well wishes. This sentence isn’t asking for clarification of what the feelings are. It’s a declaration that feelings exist in some form. It’s a duh statement.
The speaker is feeling more than they are rationalizing. That’s a good way to stay stuck in a toxic relationship pattern. It takes a balanced approach of thinking and feeling to make good life decisions. Letting one or the other guide the ship will lead you into rough waters every single time.
In the midst of an affair, feelings are not your friend. They lead you to make decisions based on impulse. They are hunger-driven.
Unless you are a mind-reader, there is no way to know why this sentence is being spoken. Some say it because they desperately don’t want the other person to walk away. The assumption is that it is because they feel so strongly for them and love them. That isn’t the case a lot of the time, but people seem to go there because it is what they want to believe.
They want to believe that their affair partner cares about them. They want to believe that their affair partner is on their team. They want to believe in the fairytale they had constructed in their head of that amazing future together.
If they are attempting to walk away, the odds that any of that is true are slim. They wouldn’t be leaving if they wanted to stay. If they are trying to stop you from walking away, it still probably isn’t true; they just want you to stop moving. Often, it is a stall tactic. Meant to create doubt and uncertainty and to allow time for them to convince you that your thinking is wrong.
If you are the one saying it…. Why? What is the hoped-for outcome of this statement? If they stay, does it mean you will be happy? Is it promoting healthy relationship patterns?
Will it actually result in the desired outcome, or will it just continue the current path that led you to where you sit right now?
“We Sure Knew How To Love Hard, Didn’t We?”
This one is typically said after the affair breakup has happened as a ploy to romanticize your history together.
Romanticizing is a glossy finish, meant to dress up something that has dulled. It’s a cheap trick used to create an opening. Don’t fall for it. This is how people get sucked back in and cycle through the same toxic relationship again. Your best chance of cutting ties and moving on is to walk away without a word.
You broke up. What else needs to be said?
Would an acknowledgment help anything?
A more accurate sentiment would be -> We sure knew how to make love feel hard, didn’t we?
“Tell Me You Want Me To Go And I Will Walk Away Forever.”
Not likely.
It sounds romantic. It isn’t, it’s the other “tic” -> Dramatic.
This is one of the false proclamations that only sounds good when you are emotionally immature, but sounds terrible to someone who isn’t. There couldn’t be a better way to ensure that nothing productive will happen in the conversation than to respond to this statement because it isn’t true. It’s a Hail Mary pass.
Typically, this is said to amp up passion by presenting an all-or-nothing outcome. The follow-up actions are not likely to happen. They won’t walk away forever. Not unless they have been cut off completely.
Breakups and No Contact
The best way to ruin your day is to maintain contact with an ex in the immediate aftermath of a breakup.
When it’s an affair, it’s even more important for the person who is married to cut ties with their affair partner. They still have someone at home who is waiting for them, and that relationship needs either closure or healing. Spreading the energy in multiple directions doesn’t work. Closing the door on the affair after it has ended is energy efficiency at work.
If you don’t, you’ll likely end up circling back until you end up here again. Wasting everyone’s time even more. Exit the hamster wheel by going no contact for real.
Pause Before You Speak
These sentiments aren’t strictly for affairs.
Not every thought needs to be said.
Some version of these sentences can be said for anyone who is trying to break ties with someone who doesn’t want them to go. It doesn’t take much to see through the BS when you aren’t in the middle of it, but when you are…. That’s another story.
Heavy emotions and statements meant to create opportunity instead of healthy choices will lead to the same destination each time.
Don’t fall for it.
