“I Need You To Hold Me Accountable”
This is how narcissists weaponize support.
You cannot be an accountability partner for a narcissist.
This is a lesson that’s hard to learn because it goes against basic human needs and impulses.
Community, support and care are normal parts of life. We find the spaces we belong within families, neighborhoods, work, school, friend groups, politics, and romantic relationships. Narcissists are in that mix in some way because they too live in this world. It makes sense that we want to be there for them as well.
And at the same time, you can’t perform an impossible task.
How Do You Hold Someone Accountable That Runs From Accountability?
One of the basic tenets of narcissism is that they will find a way to twist blame onto anyone else to avoid having to face the music.
That way doesn’t have to make sense to anyone except themselves and it is an inevitability. It will happen. Someone or something will be the reason they could not stay the course. Even if you have done everything perfectly, said the words, took the actions, and made the changes… they will revert to old ways.
On top of that, you will most likely be blamed for how things turned out.
Being an accountability partner for a narcissist is a master class in the concept of “No good deed goes unpunished”.
The Requests Sound Normal- Don’t be fooled!
When a narcissist asks you to help them, they sound like everyone else.
It’s a pretty average request to make. We say benign things all the time with our friends and family, make agreements to help each other, and show each other love and support. When this is happening with a narcissist, it will be anything but benign… later.
In the moment, it comes off the same way as it would with anyone because at that time, they probably mean it. Weird right? In all likelihood, they mean what they say right then, but once they change their mind, all bets are off and they will not take accountability for their part in their own plans.
On top of that, they will most likely be upset with you for attempting to hold them to their past words.
A Fickle Mind Will Get Fickle Results
This is because narcissists are inconsistent and impulsive.
They want what they want when they want it. They want it A LOT when they make these plans, but then they lose interest if:
the instant gratification is not felt
the novelty has worn off
they find something else to want
the person they were trying to impress has left the room.
How can you be held accountable to a fleeting wish? It’s a recipe meant to fail.
The Reasons They Ask For Support
You can’t make them stick to their “goals” and often, they have ulterior motives in mind that have nothing to do with the reasons they have asked you for support.
To Promote Obligation And Keep You Close
People generally love to help others. Narcissists know this. They use a basic political maneuver to train people to keep providing them with attention and care, and to blow past boundaries.
A common tactic used by politicians is the ask for help approach.
The way this works is simple. If a politician comes to you for a favor, and you supply that favor, you have a stake in the outcome of their success.
They may ask for money, an endorsement, or a meeting with someone you know. The ask is legit and they may actually want it, but what they want more, is for you to think you have an investment in their triumph. They want you to feel like you are a part of what they are doing and you are coming along for the ride with them for a return on your investment. It’s a way to gather people and promote their agenda.
This is how some narcissists approach requests for accountability. Better you have their back than to not. Even if it’s for a short period of time, that’s better than never having it at all.
If they make repeated requests, you then have more skin in the game and may even go above and beyond for them. Lightening their burden but tying you to them even further.
It’s an insidious way to groom someone and keep them bonded.
Commandeering Your Goals To Either Jump On Board Or Derail You
Many times, the thing they asked help with wasn’t their goal to begin with.
This is how these types of requests are commonly made. You mention a goal you have in mind (insert any goal, for example, losing 10 lbs), the narcissist will be on board and want to join you in your weight loss journey because it sounds like a good one to do. Maybe they wanted to do it anyway or maybe they don’t want to be outdone. You two make plans to be accountability partners for each other and it starts off great.
But it goes off the rails at some point because the only one doing any actual accountability work is you. Instead of support, they berate you. Instead of being grateful that you are trying to keep to the plan, they say you are judgmental and discouraging. They continue to do the things that don’t work and claim you are a bad friend because you didn’t tell them to stop. And if you do say something, you are criticized or put down for making them feel bad about themselves.
It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.
Eventually, you can no longer mention your own weight loss goals in their presence because they have made it all about their feelings. Which are obviously more important and bigger than yours.
Delay and Bide Time To Get More Out Of You
Stall tactics are commonly used by narcissists.
Whether they want more time to further take your resources, have the chance to convince you of something, or to avoid being abandoned doesn’t matter. They want all the time you can give them for as long as they can get it.
What better way to do this than you make you feel that they NEED YOU? They don’t just want you, they require your participation to be successful. You are essential, you matter, you are special. Their success depends on these qualities.
It’s flattering.
Ironically, its true. They do need you, just not the way you think they do. They need you the way a car needs a gas. They could get gas somewhere else, but why would they if you are standing right there?
When the next source of gas presents itself, they’ll move along. You may not know they have moved along because they like to keep old resources on standby just in case.
Don’t deplete yourself trying to fill up someone who is determined to be empty.
It Won’t Be Reciprocal No Matter How Much You Want It To Be
You may jump on the chance to be an accountability partner for a narcissist because it seems like the perfect opportunity to get something back from them.
This is how many people are looped in. They have spent countless hours, wanting to be seen and heard by the narcissist in their life and this looks like the opening they have been waiting for.
It’s not.
You will be disappointed again.
Any validation will be short lived and contingent upon how much you validate them in return. As long as they are getting the feels they were searching for, you will get it too. The moment the winds shift and they move onto something else, you’ll go backburner and be left wanting yet again.
You don’t have to do anything for those tides to change. They could very well, wake up from a nap one day and be a done with this game in an instant.
What happens to your plan then? What happens to hope you held?
Set yourself up for success instead.
Don’t engage to begin with.
