The Covert Narcissist Trait That Makes Them Extra Difficult To Detect
They get away with bad behavior because they know how to weaponize this socially acceptable narrative.
Covert.
What does that mean when we talk about narcissism?
Covert narcissist doesn’t mean they are a different species of narcissist. Narcissism is what narcissism is. It means they use covert strategies to express their narcissism. Their methods are more subversive, cleverly hidden, and take more effort to detect.
This is why they are considered exceptionally damaging to the people who are in their lives. They don’t drop in like an atom bomb and blow things to smithereens. Their tactics are like termites. They dig tunnels and holes until the people around them crumble to dust or collapse into a sinkhole.
But how? That’s the big question. How do normal, healthy, smart people fall for their games and schemes? One reason is that they blend in with “normal” societal interactions.
People Want to See Wins
Most people love it when someone begins to move forward in life.
Seeing someone pull themselves out of a bad situation and begin to live life to the fullest is a wonderful thing to witness. Hard work, dedication, and perseverance are celebrated.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going… and all that.
No one does a better job at projecting this image than a covert narcissist. But they first do it by projecting that they are down and out. This is the primary mirage that gets shown to the public. They begin by creating a story of pain, trauma, loss, or helplessness to lure people in. It may not be the very first story they tell, but it happens quickly after their initial impressions.
This is a very effective tactic because empathy gets activated and those who have protector or healer mindsets are looking for ways to be of assistance to others. These types are exactly who they love to support.
Unfortunately, they are victims by choice as much as by chance. It’s a chicken vs egg scenario in these cases. They usually are victims, but only because they set themselves up to be victims and keep making choices to remain victims despite chance after chance given to them to get out of it. Like a rinse-and-repeat cycle, they don’t accept help because they don’t want to get better. Getting better would cut off their attention supply source.
They accept just enough help to begin the process, but don’t ever finish it. This is how they keep people around for a long time.
They eventually burn out their “helpers” with their refusal to do things differently.
Perpetrator to Victor
It feels better to support victories than continued failures.
It feels even better when that story is about someone who went even further and began promoting wins for others.
Covert narcissists can weave a beautiful tale of how they have turned frowns upside down and are now off doing good in the world.
It’s another lie, but it’s a lie that people want to believe more than they want to believe the truth. So they fall for it. The automatic look is toward the future and possibilities. It isn’t typically toward skepticism.
Time always tells. They can’t keep up the charade and eventually circle back through their dysfunctional cycles and show that they were full of BS. This is when people start to question things and wonder if they are crazy for thinking this way.
Those nagging thoughts form, and they feel bad for thinking them. Those moments of doubt allow the covert narcissist the chance to shift their story. It gives them the opportunity to fabricate a reason why their actions actually make sense, and you shouldn’t doubt them anymore. Eventually, the excuses are made for them. This tactic conditions people to come up with justifications for the narcissist. The covert narcissist doesn’t have to try as hard after they have trained others this way.
They keep people hooked by playing on their empathy and hope and by exploiting the basic human ability to normalize things.
Redemption Story
People love to hear how someone turned their life around and became the optimal version of themselves.
We respect and encourage someone who stops making poor judgments and begins living a life they can be proud of.
Covert narcissists can keep this up for longer than others because they don’t present the same. While a grandiose narcissist can’t fathom the thought of someone showing them pity or saying they are not the best at whatever, a covert narc is fine with it being said as long as it gets them what they want.
Behind closed doors, they rage. Perceived slights and weaknesses are complained about and stewed over, but in public, they play the part of the victim perfectly.
They don’t believe it. Remember, they are still narcissists after all; they do feel that they are the best, but they allow the image they portray to be about victimhood, so they can weaponize it. This is how they sell the redemption angle. They started off low and are now rising up. That story is something that should normally be celebrated.
Like above with the Perpetrator to Victor saga, this is all a show. They haven’t redeemed themselves. Any redemptive actions will be short-lived and will end up in the same place they began. It may not look the same (because narcissists do learn to manipulate and con people in better more convincing ways over time), but it will be the same.
It will be destructive, abusive, regrettable, and worst of all, it will be pointless. There is no good that can come out of narcissistic abuse.
Some will tell you that it gave them a sense of purpose to teach others how to recognize it, taught them to be aware of themselves and others, and made them stronger. Those can all be true, and at the same time, it doesn’t mean it was good.
It wasn’t good. Abuse isn’t good. The victim made the best of a bad situation, but it was still a bad situation that should have never happened in the first place because it led to nothing except more pain and abuse. All of the love, caring, support, admiration, money, time, energy, etc., were wasted. The covert narcissist didn’t get any better from it, and their victims were drained.
Then it begins again unless they break away. Except this time, they’re already down and worse off than the first time the cycle started for them.
Their victims are the ones with the true redemption stories.
Leads to Further Dysfunction
In the end, the covert narc will travel back to victim status again. They can’t help themselves. All roads lead there.
They aren’t unwilling visitors in Victimland the way true victims are. They choose to go there time and time again to renew their state of affairs. Like a Salmon returning to its spawning grounds. Their nature compels them to return. It will happen. They don’t know any other way.
Pay attention to the cycle.
Do you suspect someone is a career victim?
Do they set up the circumstances so they become the victim in every situation they are in?
Do their stories have the same theme running throughout?
Do they get upset if you hold them accountable?
Do they gather supporters around them and need a lot of attention to be focused on their efforts?
Do they ask for help repeatedly but only pretend to take it, or only take it for short periods of time?
Do they get upset if you try to provide real help instead of blind validation?
If you said yes, you‘re probably dealing with a covert narc.
Don’t let them drag you down with them.
