Entitled people love to throw this one at you after accepting your generosity.
Whatever happened to the thought You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours?
It’s comforting to know that the people you were there for will be there for you when your time comes. Except that won’t be the case if the person is entitled or narcissistic. You give, they take, and the world continues to spin. It is and has always been this way with them.
Why are we so surprised when it happens?
Expectations of Unconditional Support
One-sided, of course.
Unless they are getting something else out of the deal, a narcissist is not going to voluntarily repay you for your time, energy, money, or love. Which means it doesn’t matter if you have given to them first. They assume you will do for them no matter how much it is they need and that there are no conditions for recompense. It was your job to give to them after all. And you performed your job as expected.
They embody the phrase A friend in need, not a friend in deed.
There will be no deeds. Only needs on their end.
Even if they aren’t a narcissist, some people have been raised to believe service is part of the deal. They may have a lot of money, power, or influence, and don’t believe they should be held to the same standards as others. Returning a favor wouldn’t come to mind because they don’t view it as a favor. It’s expected. Reciprocity as a normal part of a relationship doesn’t come to mind because they weren’t taught that skill.
Hopefully, they learn it when you stop.
They May Have Asked
Though they claim that they never asked you for whatever you did for them, this may be a big fat lie.
Even if they didn’t explicitly ask, they often hint at what they desire from you. They lay down lines for you to read between and hope you take the bait. This way, they can benefit from your ability to understand what they haven’t outright said and then later claim they didn’t ask you for it.
“It would be nice if someone could take me to my appointment.” — you offer to drive
“I sure would love to join you for girls’ night out, but I don’t have anything nice to wear there.” — you loan them your clothes
“Mike’s wife makes his lunches. She’s so thoughtful. He feels so loved.” — you start packing lunch
No, they never ask you outright for your time, money, or services, but they knowingly set the scene for you to make them an offer.
However, sometimes they do ask you and then claim that they didn’t. Either they don’t recall because they make so many asks, and this one didn’t register in their memory, or they deny it because it doesn’t work for their story to admit to it. No matter what, you are left holding the bag because they have already taken from you, and you will not see a return on your generosity.
Takers take. It’s what they do.
It’s Methodical
If the person accepting your kindness is a real narcissist, this was not an accident.
They didn’t take from you without knowing what they were doing. It wasn’t an oopsie moment. It’s part of how they move around on a daily basis. This is what they do. Every step, every word, every thought lays the groundwork that makes the environment promote this kind of behavior.
You walk into the area and acclimate to it. Since it’s set up for them to receive -> you give.
Especially if they are a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists love to be victims. They may say otherwise, but all of their actions show that this is how they get their needs met. If they are down and out, there will always be a need for them to be “rescued”. Therefore, they can never rise up and do better because then how would someone give them attention the way they like it?
They need to have others do for them because this is the facade they built. Brick by brick. Layer by layer. Piece by piece. They are sacrificial lambs repeatedly given as an offering to some overlord they made up.
People in this dynamic typically give until they burn out. This is a hallmark of covert narcissistic relationships.
How Do You Respond To This Kind Of Statement?
The fact of the matter is this -> nothing you say will matter.
They aren’t trying to hear you. They are actively trying not to hear you. If you attempt to make your thoughts and feelings known, you will be wasting even more time and energy on them.
This is when you may get the sentiment, “I’m sorry if you feel I took advantage of you.” “That’s not my truth.” “I didn’t realize you were keeping tabs.” Or the ultimate nonsense, “I’ll never ask you for anything ever again!”
Some version of these thoughts will come out in an attempt to put the blame back on you. Unfortunately, there is nothing to be done to sway their stance because we can’t move immovable objects. However, there is a lot to be done on your end of things.
If you’re a glutton for punishment and don’t learn the lesson they are teaching you, then another round of give-and-give will happen. It repeats until you’re sucked dry of resources or they find a new person to take from.
A rebuttal sentence that gets the point across is, “You certainly didn’t say no.”
They’re not interested in your explanations or reasons they should consider your side of things. They aren’t going to sit and think about what they’ve done. They already know what they did and don’t feel bad about it. They are not going to consider changing their ways.
If you must say something because you feel compelled to, make it a factual short sentence like above and leave it there. They’ve already taken enough from you. Don’t give them anything else.
