When The Fight Is The Objective
Narcissists don’t always fight to win; sometimes, they fight to fight.
Does it ever feel like your partner is fighting for the sake of fighting?
Why do you think this happens? What are the fights about? Why doesn’t a resolution seem possible? You think to yourself, “What can I do to make it stop?”
If they’re a narcissist, this is likely a recurrent event.
It Teaches You
Repeat fights create repeat results. This is a grooming strategy.
At some point, the fights themselves become irrelevant. What is relevant is the long-term impact it has on your reflexes and system. We all learn to live within our habits. If fighting becomes a habit, we acclimate to it. Not only does our body normalize living in a fight club, but it also normalizes that there will not be a solution. The unacceptable becomes acceptable.
What started as an exercise in communication devolved into one of futility. No longer do you build; instead, you go straight to the end of the line to frustration and chaos. Flight, Fawn, or Freeze. Choose one of those 3 because Fight is being groomed away from you. Any fight with that person creates an instant reaction because your body understands that it will inevitably end up there yet again. You learned the lesson you were taught.
Have you ever noticed this reaction in yourself?
Does dissociation take over? Do you feel triggered and immediately lose your cool when you argue with the narcissist in your life because you know it won’t end in a resolution you want to live with? It will end, but it won’t be an ending you chose. It will be the one you resigned to when all else failed.
Unless they can get something from letting you win. Then you may get something close to an agreement.
It Leads To Nowhere
Because the fight is the end goal, you will end up staying within the fight.
Every compromise, every solution, every allowance, every No turned into a Yes, every olive branch, each and every give an inch they take a mile approach is destined to fail. You cannot make someone see reason if they are trying to stay in the battle. They see it just fine, but it doesn’t suit their agenda, so they pretend they can’t.
The reason for the fight is dependent on what the narcissist wants from you, but they all have a reason. If they didn’t, it wouldn’t happen. A narcissist isn’t going to do a pointless task. Even if you think your narcissist is too stupid to do this, they aren’t. Stupidity doesn’t matter here for either one of you.
This is a predator doing predatory things. It’s instinctual. You don’t have to be smart to do what comes naturally. They know how to fight; they don’t know how to resolve. It makes sense this would be their tactic.
It Establishes And Grows Trauma Bonds
The hot/cold cycle is what forms and then boosts trauma bonds.
Trauma bonds are made when someone traumatizes you. They are between you and the abuser in your life. This never-ending loop of fights is trauma. All of the 2 AM wake-ups. All of the inability to get anything right. All of the moving goals and constantly changing expectations. All of it is trauma because it is unrelenting… until it relents.
It stops for a little while. It stops long enough for you to breathe deep and think to yourself that this is over. It stops hurting so much, and your system begins to slow down. You stop looking over your shoulder and walk on fewer eggshells than before. (You still walk on some) You think that things are going to go back to the way they were, and you can get a fresh start.
Then it ramps back up, starts all over again, and you’re thrown back into that rolling tube of bullshit. The funhouse reactivates, and the roller coaster zooms at full speed. This is bootcamp! You are being prepared for the war. Involuntarily enlisted. Drafted.
A soldier in a campaign you don’t believe in.
The Reasons Narcissists Do It
There are a lot of intentions behind this method.
Sometimes, a narcissist will stick to one because it’s what they know. Often, they have a bunch of ulterior motives, and they’re hoping it will work for any of them.
It’s Grounding
If you only feel comfortable when things are chaotic, you will create chaos so you can feel comfortable.
This is why many narcissists cause fights. They know how to conduct themselves and feel in control when a fight is happening. They don’t feel that outside of the fights, so they keep them coming.
A Triggered Person Is A Controllable Person
When things are going well, they can’t handle it for long. They get antsy, and they don’t want you to feel stable so they can continue to get away with things. To keep you unsettled, the fight must continue.
Control is the name of the game. And the game is rigged.
Skin In the Game
Speaking of games. They want something on the line. Your skin, not theirs.
If there is no resolution to a fight, then there is no closure. People who are still stuck in the cycle of fighting with a narcissist haven’t yet come to terms with the fact that closure is never going to happen. They are still trying to work things out or finally be heard. The narcissist knows this; they don’t allow the fighting to end so their target won’t leave them.
It’s a tactic to prevent being abandoned.
Distraction
What better way to be able to leave the home, take a break, need some space, or go cool off than in the aftermath of an argument?
This may be the most common reason for it.
Narcissists often go into the dispute with the end goal tee’d up, ready to go. They just need a squabble to set up the scene. This allows them the opportunity to go do the thing they were hoping for.
Bad Attention Is Better Than No Attention
They need it. They don’t just want it; they gotta have it!
If you are ignoring them, that hurts them more than when you are mad at them. At least if you’re mad, you care in some form. It’s an extremely childish mindset.
It’s the same way a little kid will antagonise his older brother. They may not prefer the negative attention, but it’s better than not getting it at all. Eventually, it becomes the go-to way to get it.
Consequence Avoidance
Fights are a good way to change the subject.
Many people have gone to the narcissist in their life and brought up a valid complaint, only to be met with, “Oh yeah. Well, what about the time you…” or “You act like you’re so perfect. Remember when you…” And a new quarrel begins.
Pretty soon, you don’t remember what your point is or why you’re defending yourself. You may end up being the one to walk away so you can calm down. No matter who disengages first, the narcissist wins because the goal of the fight was to wrap you up in a side quest so they could either stall or request the issue be dropped.
If They Can’t Be Happy, No One Can
Why should you get to feel comfort, pleasure, and contentment if they can’t?
It isn’t that it’s not fair to them; it’s that they are jealous that you have the ability and they don’t. They see it as a way you are victimizing them. Your being happy is a slap in the face.
You aren’t experiencing it; you are gloating in it! How dare you do it in their presence? This kind of insult must be dealt with the only way they know how.
Time for combat.
At What Point?
This is where you must make a decision and act on it. It’s boundary time.
Where is your line in the sand?
How much is enough?
When do you stop engaging and start walking away?
What amount is too much?
What is the risk to continue this way?
What would it take for you to do something different?
These are essential questions to ask because if you don’t know the answers, how will you ever make a change?
Good luck.
