I Never Considered It Abusive

We often don’t recognize it from the inside view.

I’m not alone in this thought.

Many of us who were victims of domestic violence, coercive control, and narcissistic abuse have the exact same story.

We were blind to the abuse.

No matter what friends and family said. No matter the books read. Even when experts sit you down and tell you to open your eyes and ears. It doesn’t penetrate through the FOG.

Nothing works -> until the moment it does.

I Could See It For Others But Not For Myself

I remember being made to read the book, Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled.

The women in that book were obviously abused. OBVIOUSLY!

Yet I could not walk that bridge between their experience and mine.

• When therapists and coaches would pinpoint the passages that paralleled my life, they would tell me I was dealing with the same demons = I didn’t see it.

• When someone in my life would make a comment and ask me if I was OK and needed help = I didn’t see it.

• When a friend would give me information that clearly laid out the ways I was being manipulated = I didn’t see it.

The price of seeing was too high. I couldn’t pay it at the time. My brain and my body were not capable of accepting reality.

So I remained in my fantasyland a while longer.

In this land of make believe, I was doing fine. I was confident, smart, and capable of anything. I was free to make my own choices and knew which way was up.

This land didn’t exist, but no one can tell you that your reality isn’t real if you aren’t trying to hear them.

Let that last part sink in because that’s the clincher. I wasn’t trying to hear them. I was trying to hear my abuser. I was desperately trying to hear him say that I mattered and that I was not a terrible person. His voice was the only one that I was focused on because his was the only one that I felt I needed.

I unwittingly made him the center of that world where only he and I existed. He was the all-knowing being, and I was the disciple.

A mini cult of our own.

Waking Up Is A Crash Landing

When that imaginary world bubble is popped, you come crashing back to Earth. Like a pod returning astronauts, it’s fast, hot, and plummeting.

Many liken it to hitting rock bottom the same way it happens in addiction. I felt it was more like stepping off the edge of a cliff. You have to accept that you need to just do it, free-fall for a while, and let it all go. Accept your fate and wait for the bottom to find you.

It will find you if you can fully release control over the ending. If you hold onto a rope (even a tiny sliver of a tether), you stop yourself from getting all the way down.

This is why so many of us need multiple attempts to finally escape from these relationships. We try to control the outcome and minimize the pain.

You can’t.

This holding on is what leaves you susceptible to the hoover and returning for another round of nonsense. Until that release has happened you still have a line back again.

It’s an unstable, treacherous path… but a path nonetheless.

A Grimm Fairytale

Think of Hansel and Gretel. They left trails to return back home. Their home wasn’t great, but it was all they knew. Their parents didn’t want them to come back, but they didn’t have any other experiences to tell them that they needed to find new, better parents who wouldn’t lead them into the deep dark woods to get lost and be in danger.

They attempted to control things and get back home again. They didn’t know how to let go. It led them to despair and sadness instead.

After the discard, they weren’t safe immediately. They found another abusive relationship and were trapped by a witch. They had no idea where to turn to for help, so they did what every abuse survivor wishes for. They learned. They fought through the struggle. They leaned on each other for support.

They did what they didn’t think they were capable of.

They persevered and grew to trust themselves. They were able to cling to their strengths and find their safe person, get rid of the people who wanted to use and abuse them, and create the future they chose instead of the one that was forced upon them.

They won.

The Bottom Is Necessary

As much as it hurts to hit the bottom, it is also the place where you can put your feet on solid ground and walk on this planet again.

This time, you are choosing which path to go down. Will it be toward another abuser? Will it be toward healing?

You get to decide.

Many people do decide to scramble back up the cliff into that fantasy world again. It’s a familiar place, and you know the monsters that live there. The call of “home” is alluring. Home may have been a nightmare, but it was a nightmare you had adapted to. The real world is new and scary in different ways.

This is why No-Contact is so important.

It minimizes the noise. There’s enough noise coming from our own heads in this situation. The doubts, old narratives, unfamiliar gut prompts, and circling thoughts are coming from within already. The outside interference from our abuser only junks up the works and makes it harder to move forward.

They’re like a cowboy with a lasso, trying to wrangle you back with their same old bullshit. Doing a complete cut-off is the best way to stop their background babbling and give yourself the chance to escape for good.

People Will Want To Understand

But they won’t be able to “get it” unless they have been through it as well.

There are several types of knowing and understanding. They may be able to get it intellectually, but that gut-wrenching, bone deep knowing that you can only get from the inside of one of these is different.

This is why finding others who also “get it” is so important.

You will hear these from time to time:

• Why did you stay if you were so unhappy?

• There must have been something good if you stayed for so long.

• How did you not see it?

• I don’t understand why you wanted to be with him. (or her)

• If you wanted to leave, you would have.

• I know they hurt you, but they mean well.

• Why do you still care? It’s in the past.

I used to get upset when I heard these or similar sentiments. Now I see it differently because I understand that they can’t get it.

Most people will say things like this because they want to get it. They want to make sense of the story you are telling them. They are trying to connect with you about it and wrap their brains around the notion that someone intentionally set out to harm us.

They are trying to apply rational sense to an irrational idea.

Not everyone has these good intentions. For me, people with poor intentions are uncommon now. In the beginning, there were more, but as I worked on creating and holding my boundaries, they naturally fell out of my life.

People who don’t want you to hold a boundary will fight it at first, but after a while, they move on to easier targets.

What Happens After Denial Turns Into Acceptance?

It took a long time for me to be able to see things for what they were.

It took working specifically with coaches and therapists saying the words out loud, “It was abuse.”

Even when I didn’t believe, I was made to say it repeatedly. Eventually, I broke through the denial fog and saw what everyone else was seeing. It wasn’t one or two people trying to put a narrative on me. It was obvious to those around me and to professionals.

I was the one who didn’t get it.

Not anymore. Now I get it. Now I know it when memories rear their ugly heads. Now, I can call things like they are and keep my safety measures in place to avoid having to deal with them in the future.

It’s a lot lighter in this space. The anger and pent-up frustrations that I didn’t even realize I had are now gone.

It’s more peaceful.

That’s not to say that there aren’t still struggles. Living with PTSD is not a walk in the park. However, it’s getting easier every day. Triggers and nightmares don’t happen as often. They still stink when they pop up, but their frequency is dramatically lower, and I know how to ride the wave better.

It’s not as destabilizing.

Keep It Up

Go to meetings. Reach out to friends and loved ones. Find a good therapist or coach. Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Take the walks. Get good rest. Have a massage. Eat nourishing food.

Do all the things that will move you forward toward that metaphorical cliff edge, and let it all go. Go completely no contact. Lean into releasing control.

Let your rock bottom find you.