Overcoming Trauma Triggers By Embracing Reactivity
Reactivity has a bad reputation. Not all of it is justified.
Emotional reactivity gets a bad rap.
Most of the time, this reputation is legit and makes sense, but there are instances where reactivity is the right move.
With abuse and trauma, triggers are an emotional reaction that we can’t control. They happen to us whenever they feel like it and transport us back in time. Thoughts, emotions, sensations, smells, and abilities that we felt in the past come rushing back like a tsunami.
It’s unnerving. Especially if it’s been a long time and we thought we had it mastered already. Triggers don’t care. They’re gonna throw us in the back seat and take us for a ride. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been.
How Can I Be Reactive In a Good Way?
The reactivity that gets a negative spin is the type that has us acting out of sorts (bonkers, as they say) compared to the consensus. The consensus is the social norm. If everyone in the area is acting that way, then it isn’t out of whack in that system. For example, wailing at a funeral is common in some cultures but far out of the norm for others.
Out of sorts can mean a lot of things, but I’m referring to the kind of activity that is abnormal for that person on a daily basis.
If you are normally intellectual and put together, then acting emotional and irrational is out of sorts for you. If you are normally kind, but then begin acting harsh and cruel, that would be out of character. If you are typically emotional and you suddenly become shut down and unfeeling, you may be in an abnormally reactive state.
It can also be an amplified version of your average. You may be emotional and anxious on a daily basis, but it goes into hyperdrive or ludicrous mode when triggered.
So, which kind is good to have?
The kind of reactivity that can be good is the kind you are lacking but need to boost. -> What I mean is, the weakest part of your natural defenses.
This is often either 1. the opposite of your natural state, or 2. the ramped-up version of it.
Because it’s highly likely that this is what is rising up as a response to protect you.
The uncontrollable emotional responses are trying to do something for you. They want you to live. They want you to make it through the moment. They recognize that something drastic feels necessary to keep you alive.
But feeling necessary and being necessary aren’t always aligned.
Where Are You Strong?
Understanding strengths can show you how to boost weaknesses.
Example
Do you have a natural empathy and find it easy to know what people around you are feeling, but when you get emotionally triggered, you shut down and go inward?
In this scenario, the reaction you want to embrace and shore up is-> the shutdown.
Get back to basics. Go all the way to elementary school and bring out The 5 W’s and 1 H = Why, what, where, when, who, and how.
Why?
Why are you good at being empathetic?
Why does it get shut down during a triggering event?
Why this method and not another one?
What?
What does shutting down do to help you?
What would you rather do instead?
What about empathy seems dangerous?
What did your natural empathy make you feel like?
What actions does empathy normally lead you toward?
What actions does shutting down lead you toward?
What steps are feasible for you to take immediately?
What boundaries need to be constructed?
Where?
Where does shutting down currently lead you?
Where would you like shutting down to lead you?
Where would empathy have led you instead?
When?
When was the first time you remember responding this way?
When was a time in the past you wish you had acted differently?
When is enough enough?
When will you begin to work on it?
Who?
Who showed you how to act this way?
Who demonstrated empathy in your life?
Who demonstrated Freezing?
How?
How does it feel when you shut down?
How does it feel when you are empathic and open?
How will you grow your ability to go inward without shutting down completely?
How can you turn down your natural empathy without shutting it off completely?
How would you go about enforcing boundaries?
This is why the 5Ws and 1H method is so nice. It’s familiar and simple. Keeping it simple is the best way to go during stressful situations.
I wrote the 25+ questions in less than 5 minutes. It will take a lot longer to think about and act on any of them, but at least there is some sort of framework to begin with that was relatively easy to come up with.
With practice, you will get faster and be able to do this a lot easier in many situations. Doing a deep dive into yourself is essential to not only understanding your reactions, but also in deciding which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to either bolster or kick to the curb.
How Do You Boost Reactivity In A Positive Way?
Let’s drill this down to the basics.
Our tried and true responses are habits.
Habits are done automatically.
We train automatic responses by practice and repetition.
They get activated when the time comes.
Therefore -> If we want to make something our new habit, we have to practice it before we need it.
It’s much easier to decide on a destination and reach it if you know the steps it takes to get there. In the real world, this looks like planning and prepping as best you can. (You’ll get tested at some point, but until then, it’s all prep work and theory.)
The way to do this is to practice the thing that you are uncomfortable with.
For example, if you trend toward freezing up and being silent, ruminating on the perfect thing to say or do, questioning yourself internally while not speaking up externally, wishing you could move in a more authoritative way, then you want to practice:
verbalizing displeasure
being louder and more abrupt
acting without having to go over every little detail
having pre-planned verbal responses you can pull from
being ok with looking foolish
accepting that noisy and angry responses are normal when called for
taking a slow, deep breath and sticking your chest out
saying No
The same concept applies if you are loud, destructive, have difficulty reigning in your emotions, and are impulsive when you are triggered. For that, you want to practice:
holding in physical and verbal responses for at least 1 whole minute
walking away
talking at half speed and actively deciding on words before they come out of your mouth
again, having pre-planned verbal responses you can pull from
taking a deep breath, relax, and lower your shoulders.
accepting that fighting isn’t always the best response because others exist as well
speaking quietly
The first time you need to activate one of these responses, it won’t feel right, but it also won’t feel completely foreign because you practiced it. It will feel more normal over time. It will become a habit if you allow it to.
Taking the time now to prepare for the future will pay off. The difference in the end result is incredible to feel. It is freeing. Instead of being shackled to one old habit, you open up the possibility to many more that you have chosen instead.
How Does This Help With Triggers?
Doing activities like this can soothe your nervous system because it gives you back control.
It pushes you out of your comfort zone in a safe environment that you have complete jurisdiction over. A system that is in a cleaner zone is less primed for triggering.
When a trigger does happen, you have set up the pathways for action, and your body will go where you have trained it to go.
Before, it was trained to respond in a way you didn’t like. The old familiar was the one and only proven method it knew how to use. Now it has a new trail option to choose from. It needs a moment to choose which one to use. It may not take much time, but it does take some.
That moment opens up space. That space grows each time you use it.
That’s the hard work of managing triggers.
It takes time.
It takes effort.
But it gives you your life back.
