Ethical Non-Monogamy Isn’t This Cure For Cheating
Be wary if your partner suggests this as a cure for their prior infidelities.
I have to admit that I don’t know much about the Poly life. I did recently buy the book PolySecure, but I haven’t read it yet.
Even so, it doesn’t take being in that world to understand that it is an AMAZING JUSTIFICATION that many use to manipulate their partners to forgive their past and excuse their future cheating behaviors.
There’s a difference between a partner who truly wants non-monogamy because they believe in it and one who just wants free reign to feed a sex or lying problem.
Here’s how you can tell which is which.
How Was The Topic Presented To You?
Was it extended as a “solution” to their cheating tendencies?
This can be tricky to navigate because there are so many ways to be non-monogamous. Each couple will have their own rules and expectations. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. This gives them an unlimited amount of ways to argue their point.
If your partner is attempting to add ENM as a way to prevent themselves from cheating by saying, “I can’t cheat because I’ll be getting what I want” they are delusional. Cheating isn’t a monogamy issue. Cheating is a lying issue.
Becoming ENM doesn’t make you sincere all of a sudden. Telling the truth consistently and acting honestly does that. Non-monogamy isn’t a truthfulness task.
It may be yet another lie or it may be wishful thinking on their part. Time will tell if you do decide to give it a try. Believe their actions.
Was it out of the blue?
Did you have any idea they were considering this lifestyle before they asked you to change your relationship agreement?
Some people will hint at ideas or talk to their partners about the things they are curious about. While others don’t. You know your partner. Is this normal for them?
Do they get wrapped up in ideas fast and want to try new things often because they get bored, need to be constantly stimulated, or have FOMO? If so, this could be a symptom of their bigger issues regarding impulse control or possibly addiction.
Are they insisting it has to happen immediately?
ENM is a new contract that needs planning and thought-out rules of engagement. It will take some time to have the proper discussions necessary to move from a monogamous lifestyle to one that includes others.
If they do not want you to take the time you need to think it through then they most likely will not respect what you need to be safe and secure in the ENM lifestyle.
My guess -> if they are pushing for a quick response, it’s because they already have a meeting lined up with someone. ENM is becoming their new excuse for their behind-the-scenes activity. It will become the reason you cannot feel the way you do, so they can justify their continued poor behaviors. Instead of being an activity that enhances your relationship, it will be a new way for them to accuse you of being controlling or jealous. It provides fuel for continued toxicity and pain.
What Issue Are They Hoping It Will Solve?
Do they know what ENM will fix for them?
If they aren’t able to clearly articulate what the issue is or how this will be a solution, then it’s not likely it will solve things. Mainly because they can’t even tell you what needs to be solved.
When we come up with “solutions” but can’t say why, then it’s no different than just trying something out and hoping it’s good enough. Like the analogy of throwing spaghetti on the wall to see what sticks.
It may act as a bandage to hide the issue for a while, but the issue will remain underneath it. It will creep up again.
The pain from infidelity isn’t healed by adding more people to the mix. It is healed between the people within the broken relationship. Unless both want this, it’s not a way to draw together. Dividing energies creates a pull in too many directions.
How Were They Treating You Before The Request?
There are a lot of clues to be found in their actions in the days, weeks, and months prior to the request.
Were your needs being ignored?
Did they demonstrate selfishness? Had they pulled away from you and were starving you of touch and affection?
Was there abuse of any kind?
An abusive relationship does not become non-abusive by opening it up to other romantic partners.
Were they bombing you with attention?
Some partners will ramp up any positive attention to set you up for the ask in hopes you will return the favor. Be wary of new actions that prep a big request.
If You’ve Already Begun. How Are They Treating You After?
What has happened with your relationship in the post-life of making this big change? If there are goals in mind, has there been any forward momentum toward them?
Do you feel safe?
Safety means many things:
financially
socially
sexually
emotionally
physically
spiritually
Has moving toward a Non-Monogamous lifestyle either maintained or promoted safety or has it taken away from it?
If you feel unsafe in this situation you have the right to back out of it.
In the wake of discovering infidelity, it’s common for partners to agree to requests that they later regret. The confusion, pain, and desire to save the relationship can lead to agreements that you wouldn’t normally make.
It is not written in stone! You can change your mind. If you no longer wish to be a part of this arrangement you aren’t locked into it forever.
It will not be an easy talk to have with them but it does become a necessary one. The ENM lifestyle cannot be done by one partner alone. It’s a contract between teammates. If you aren’t willing to play, then it has to be made known ASAP.
If you don’t speak up and make your feelings known then anger, jealousy, disappointment, shame, and distance grow.
Can Non-Monogamy Work?
I’m sure it does help in some situations.
I doubt those situations are the ones in which cheating has been a mainstay.
The Ethical part of ENM is what makes the difference. Cheating isn’t on the list of ethical behaviors. Pressuring a partner into doing something they don’t want isn’t either. For the transition to work it has to be equal and fair for all parties.
Both have to choose freely to the new agreement. If one is being dragged there by coercion or force, then it isn’t freely done.
If you have a cheating partner who is suggesting opening your relationship, consider these questions before you make a decision.
