What Was Your Carrot?
The narcissist used something to lure you in and keep you around.
Part of nearly every narcissistic relationship is the carrot dangling on a stick.
They make promises both out loud and through implication. They don’t do it accidentally. It’s an intentional act designed to keep you strung along.
You can figure out what those strings are attached to and make yourself dangle proof. Sometimes we know exactly what they are, and sometimes we don’t.
Do You Know What Motivates You?
If not, you’d better figure it out because a narcissist will. They are like bloodhounds sniffing out your desires and needs, and they will use them against you whether you are aware of them or not.
Until you figure out what your “carrot” is, you will remain susceptible to their manipulations, love bombs, hoovers, and future fakes.
It’s important to go deep and find the underlying forces that keep you moving forward. Staying superficial won’t keep you safe. They may provide a place to begin, but they won’t stop someone from finding ways around them.
A superficial need that someone may have is for gifts. They may love receiving presents and tokens, and really get a lot from that act. Is that all there is to it? Does it stop there at the action, or is there a foundational need behind it?
For many, the driving need behind gifts is to be shown that they matter.
If all you ever considered was the external need for gifts, you would be missing out on a new level of understanding and mindfulness about yourself. More importantly, you would be left vulnerable because a narcissist will understand that underlying need better than you. They will figure out another way to get at it if you tell them that you won’t fall for it anymore. They may stop the gift giving, but they won’t stop trying to take advantage of that hunger for acceptance and approval.
They won’t stop until you come to terms with it and learn to put solid boundaries around it.
The Carrots Have A Few Things In Common
There are billions of people alive on this planet, and millions of them are narcissists, yet they all use similar future fakes. There doesn’t need to be a multitude of them because there are a limited amount of basic human desires.
Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs is one good explanation of them. In his original triangle there are:
Physiological needs- biological requirements like air, food, water, sleep, clothing, shelter, rest
Safety needs- order and control needs like employment, societal, health, family, job
Love and belonging needs- family (in both levels), friendship, intimacy, belonging, trust, acceptance
Esteem needs- respect, confidence, achievement, individuality, recognition
Self-actualization needs- morality, creativity, meaning of life, potential
These are in order of importance based on what we need to survive. (Survive as in not die.)
Some things may overlap some here and there and move around the categories a bit. For example, acceptance may be in the Level 2 category at times, and family may move between 2 and 3. They may move, but they don’t leave completely. They remain in the foundation.
If a narcissist can glean which ones you are searching for, they will angle them. They can’t help themselves. They aren’t looking out for your best interests. They aren’t considering your thoughts and feelings.
They are looking for ways to get you to do what they want you to do.
Common Carrots That Narcissists Dangle
This is how they get you and keep you entangled in their schemes. They recycle some version of these every time they need something from you.
The promises that a narcissist makes are not real. The moment you want them to make good on their word, you will see their true face.
Often, they bait you with promises that aren’t actually promises. Many times, the promise is an implicit threat. They may tell you one thing, but you know from their tone, their past actions, the situation you are in, or their demeanor that they mean something else entirely.
Physiological needs
You will be promised the future you have always dreamed of. They will promise you a home, food, and a life free from pain and suffering.
If you are the child of a narcissist, then you are dependent on the person making these promises. Not listening to the promises isn’t an option because they are an ultimatum every time. Your life could be over if you don’t. If you are the romantic partner or employee, then the promises are a threat to the life you currently live. That life will not exist anymore without your compliance. You may not die, but the supporting structures that compose your world will whither and crumble.
When they make these promises the implied threat is that you will not get them unless you agree to do it the way they want you to. You have to give them one more try, let them follow their dream first while you wait, keep quiet and go-along-to-get-along. You get the idea. The thing you want will happen one day. They promise it will.
It won’t. Not the way you envision it if it happens at all.
Safety needs
You will get the promotion, move to a better neighborhood, get a nice car, go to a fancy college, get married, or have plenty of money if you would only…
Whatever you feel unsafe about, they will promise you that thing to keep you around. They may even make good on some part of that promise, but it will come at a price later on. The term “No good deed goes unpunished” is warped in this scenario. They do a good deed and then find a way to punish you for forcing them the keep their word.
You can’t get away from your sin of expecting them to keep their promises. How dare you!
Love and belonging needs
Being part of a family or community is one of the best parts of life. When that is threatened, it can be as painful as a physical wound.
Cults and organizations are great at this one. They promise you a place in their group as long as you comply. You can belong and receive support -> just do whatever they say, whenever they say it, and don’t ask any questions. (Well, you can ask one question *How can I serve you?*)
Narcissists form mini cults between the 2 people in the relationship. You circle around them because they are the sun in this solar system. You get booted from the galaxy if you don’t agree and believe in their promises.
This is why they keep one foot in and one foot out of all relationships. If they can get you to feel like you are replaceable, then you will be the one to fight for them, and their promises don’t even need to be that grand. They only need to be just enough to keep up the illusion.
Esteem needs
These are dangled in front of you but just out of reach. They promise to respect you, recognize you, love you, adore you, tell you you did a good job, if you would ______.
They will tell you that if you do the thing, then you get your esteem needs met.
You do the thing, and then they give you a taste of having your needs met. You then cycle back through having to jump through hoops and living on the energy of the promise that the next time they will meet your need in a satisfying way.
It will never happen.
It doesn’t last long because it can’t. If they let you be happy and fulfilled, then you wouldn’t need to beg them for more. They feed on your need for their acceptance and want to make those false promises to keep the circle spinning.
Self-actualization needs
This one is common with communal narcissists, activist groups, religions, and cults.
They use the carrot of goodwill, everlasting life, and your eternal soul against you. Why wouldn’t you want them to make good on those promises!?
They are offering you something bigger than yourself. Something that requires faith, hard work, and encompassing a giving spirit to achieve. It’s the perfect setup for their abuse.
The Common Theme Between Them All
The one thing that makes all of this possible is the desire for the promises to be true.
The good news is that you can control your impulses and how those needs are met. Thinking on the 5 needs, which ones did the narcissist in your life prey on? (Physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, or self-actualization)
If you can do a personal deep dive to understand yourself better, you can get ahead of narcissists in your path.
