Your Support Community Matters
You could be setting yourself up for enabling and further dysfunctional dynamics if you pick the wrong one.
How do you know that you are in the right spot for assistance?
The age of the internet has led to many amazing things. One of those being access to communities that you would have never known previously. You probably have one or more of them here on Medium.
That being said, not all of them are good for you.
The Right Place, Right Time, Right Audience
The basics of advertising are also the basics of healing.
You have to be in the right frame of mind, have the right conditions, and want to move in the right direction. Or you’ll get stuck in place, repeating the same old tired narratives time and time again.
Almost every support community has a place, but that doesn’t mean it is the place for you forever. As you grow and change, you may not need them anymore. In fact, they are probably holding you back.
I see this most often in the narcissistic abuse and the affair recovery communities. Some spaces are only meant to get your attention and spark you to begin changing. They aren’t meant to be the endpoint. If you stay within them, you will eventually circle back around.
Don’t doom yourself to begin the same BS again.
If you wallow in anything, you’ll get stuck. This is how a rut forms instead of a groove. Grooves are the positive version of a rut. They look the same to bystanders, but the person inside of it knows how it’s working for them or not.
How Do You Know If It’s Time To Move On?
In smaller communities, this is relatively easy to gauge. For larger ones, some aspects, like the leader role, may be harder to index.
How is the “leader” doing
Do they have a life you’d want to live?
Are they doing well?
Do they live by their proclamations?
Are they telling the truth?
Do they make promises they cannot or will not keep?
What is the mission statement
Have you fulfilled it?
Is it in line with your current goals and values?
Do you resonate with it anymore?
Has the group’s purpose changed?
What is different now in your life
Has your situation changed?
Are you ready to move on to the next level?
Have you spent your time in the group working on yourself and moving forward?
Is your time in it still spent doing that?
Questions like these are important to ask from time to time. We often don’t realize a group has fulfilled its piece for a while. Sometimes we can feel it coming, but not always.
Let’s break down the above sections a bit more.
How Is The “Leader” Doing
This is a big one.
There are a few reasons to look more intently at the creator’s motivations and outcomes.
Is it filling a hole in them?
The reason someone starts a group is to fill a need. The need may be because there was a hole in the community, but that need often comes from within the group creator.
If this is the case, the founder’s motivation is usually to keep the group going because they need it for themselves. The support group is for them as much as it is for the participants. When you begin to leave, they panic. If you go away, their supporter role goes away.
If their sense of worth and connection is dependent upon people needing them, they can’t fathom the thought of you moving on. It’s too dangerous to their sense of purpose.
Why are you listening to their “helpful suggestions” if those suggestions are designed to keep you near them so you will rely on them forever?
Do they have any version of a life you would want to live?
What outcomes has their “advice” led them to? Do you want the same ones for yourself?
If you have a clue into the home/ work/ love life of the person who is supporting you and the group, then you can easily answer these questions.
Are they living a life you could feel comfortable in? If the answer is no, then you must move on because doing what they do will get you the same results they did. Their methodology is repeatable and will result in a predictable outcome again and again.
If you don’t want those results, why are you still there?
Are they being honest?
With you and with themselves.
Intentions don’t always line up with actions. Even the most well-intended support group leader can be full of shit because they are fooling themselves before they fool anyone else.
Unintentionally leading people off a cliff still leads them off one.
It stinks to say goodbye to a group that no longer serves you when the creator doesn’t understand why you are making that decision. They believe they are doing a good thing. They want to be supportive and help. They are trying their best.
But… their best is misguided and may be detrimental to your future and well-being.
What Is The Mission Statement
Does it even have one?
Real objectives matter
Groups need to have a goal so the people in it are fully aware of the direction they are heading.
If you cannot form a sentence that sums up the purpose of your support group or community, then what are you trying to gain from it? What are you hoping it will help you with?
If you can, do those objectives match your personal ones?
Also, do you know why you are there? If you don’t have a clear picture, it will be hard to reach any goals. That would be like trying to plan a vacation, but you have no idea when or where you’re going. There is no chance of success because you don’t know what you’re trying to gain.
Have you accomplished what you set out to do?
If you have achieved everything you set out to achieve within this group, it’s time to move on.
There is no group out there that can do it all for you. (another principle of advertising- if it’s for everyone, it’s for no one.) You don’t want fluff and grand gestures. You want results and concrete things that will matter in your life.
Why do it if it won’t make a difference in the end?
When you reach your destination in that group, that is the moment to stop in place and reflect on what you have done so far. Take some time to count your wins. If that group cannot help you level up and create new wins for yourself, it’s time to forge ahead.
What Is Different Now In Your Life
The role of any support group is to be a temporary place. They are a soft place to land, so you have an opportunity to heal, grow, and move forward. They are for skill building, accountability, and information.
The end goal is for you to go off and be free, supporting yourself and making your own choices for your life.
Remember, I’m not talking about personal life groups like friendships, family, etc. Those are always important to have around for life. This is about a support community that has an objective, like crisis intervention or education.
Hopefully, the group has done its job well, and you no longer need to be a part of it. Heavy emphasis on the need part. If you want to be a part of it, that’s completely different. Occasional check-ins are normal; people come back to give testimonials and to provide updates on current events, but needing it for continuous functioning shouldn’t happen.
Is the group effective?
If you haven’t made any changes and you are still in the same place you were when you began the group, then something different needs to happen.
It could be you, or it could be the community.
Little or no results are an indicator that something is amiss. Find out what that something is.
Is it the right fit for you?
Do you need to actually activate on the things the group has been trying to teach you, or do you need to find a more effective group that matches your learning style?
Think of groups like they are fitness classes. (Zumba, HIIT, CrossFit, kickboxing, yoga, etc.) They can all get you in better shape, but if you aren’t going to do that workout, then it won’t matter one bit. You have to choose the one you are willing to do the work in. It should match your specific needs. It needs to be at your current “fitness” level.
It also needs to have a guide who can speak to you in a way that you can hear. If you hate being preached to and need a guiding approach, being in a group with a speaker who talks at you won’t help. Even if it worked for someone else.
Understanding your learning and support style is important so you can find the community that will work best for your current situation.
Don’t Feel Bad If You Need To Say Goodbye
Any legitimate group will let you go without a fight. Even if they don’t agree with it, they understand that wishes and needs change, and they don’t feel the urge to control your behaviors.
They will also welcome you back if you change your mind and want to return. (There are instances where this isn’t true. If you spent your time there wreaking havoc, they may not let you back in later.)
The right support matters. It’s your future. We only get one chance at this life. Don’t spend another moment in a place that’s wasting your time.
